Fixed Broken Breast Physics - ENHANCED

Fixed Broken Breast Physics

From the classified research notes of Dr. Saretha, Natural Philosopher Undisclosed Desert Laboratory (coordinates redacted)

They told me I was mad when I built a laboratory beneath the sands to study the biomechanics of the Exiled Lands. They said, "Saretha, why are you watching people from behind a rock with a notebook?" And I said, "SCIENCE DOES NOT LOOK AWAY."

For months I observed the affliction. Exiles stumbling across the desert, stiff as Stygian mannequins. Their... assets... frozen mid-bounce, locked in place as if cursed by Set himself. Feet sliding across staircases like phantoms. Heads staring dead ahead, unable to track anything. The people called it "the breast physics bug." The people were WRONG.

After weeks of painstaking observation (often from dangerously close range) I discovered the truth. It was never about the breasts at all. The breasts were simply the most... noticeable casualty. The entire Somatic Vitality Conduit was being shut off. A single internal essence-flag, deep within the body's animation spirit, was getting stuck. And NOBODY was turning it back on.

I identified TWO triggers of the affliction:

The Spawn Curse -- In areas dense with life, the body's systems initialize out of order during the summoning process. The essence-flag defaults to dormant and nobody retries. You are simply born broken. My field data: desert spawn, 10 out of 10 healthy. Near an enemy camp, 5 out of 10. A small island swarming with hostiles, 2 out of 10.

The Tavern Stool of Doom -- Sitting down intentionally suppresses certain bodily systems so the feet do not fight the seated pose. Standing up is SUPPOSED to reawaken them. Some furniture... forgets. The tavern bar stool. Certain modded bathtubs. You sit, you stand, and you are forever stiff. Funcom patched the bed. They did not patch the stool. I have written them a letter.

The cure was buried in the body's own architecture the entire time. One signal. One ancient mechanism. Nine years it lay there, waiting.

I confess I wept.

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How to Use

Subscribe.

That is it. There is no step two. I have made this as simple as possible because I know you people. You are exiles. You hit things with swords for a living. There are no items to craft, no feats to learn, no buttons to press. The mod watches silently and fixes the problem whenever it detects it.

You will not even know it is working. You will simply notice, one day, that the universe has regained its bounce.

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Known Side Effects

In the interest of full scientific disclosure, I am required to report the following:

Thrall Restoration -- Your thralls suffer from the same condition and are treated by the same mechanism. If your dancer has been performing with the enthusiasm of a wooden plank, she will recover. Immediately. You are welcome.

Male Restoration -- The same dormant system that governs breast dynamics also governs... the lower anatomical pendulum. If there are parts extruding from the lower half of your male exile that have been conspicuously rigid and unresponsive to the basic forces of nature, this mod addresses that condition as well. I have observed the results. Repeatedly. For science.

Foot Planting -- Your feet will once again plant properly on slopes and staircases instead of hovering like a ghost. This is less exciting to describe but arguably more useful.

Head Tracking -- Characters will follow nearby points of interest with their heads again. The dead-eyed forward stare was part of the same affliction. Consider this a bonus.

Multiplayer -- The treatment runs independently on each player's machine, fixing every character it renders. Host or client, everyone sees the fix. No special configuration needed.

Compatibility -- This mod contains no items, no crafting recipes, and no data tables. There is nothing to conflict with. It should be compatible with everything, including the mods whose bathtubs caused this problem in the first place.

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OBSERVE. MEASURE. IMPROVE. REPEAT. -- Dr. Saretha, Saretha Research

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My Other Mods

You're So Dirty - Dirt accumulation from your adventures.

Cloth Doors - hanging cloth curtains for your doorways, with real cloth physics. 17 fabric designs, two mounting styles, and they part around you as you walk through.

Oil My Body - craftable oils that give your character and thralls a sheen, from a light gleam to a heavy Stygian gilding. Cosmetic, works on thralls, works with body replacers.

Hold Them Still - Keeps your darlings under control when you've got a metal breastplate equipped.

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